“The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.” ~Rabindranath Tagore
1993 marked the beginning of a major transformation in my life. At 17 years old, I discovered I was pregnant. Scary as that was, it turned out to be the least of the surprises. The pregnancy started out normal, and ended with me on bed rests. At 34 weeks, my parents rushed me to the hospital where the doctor attempted to stop delivery. Jacob couldn’t wait to make his entrance into the world. New baby bliss set in until we took him to his one month checkup. After being informed Jacob tested positive for Down’s syndrome, we were referred to a cardiologist who discovered three holes in his heart. We had no choice but to prepare for open heart surgery. Unfortunately, during recovery his blood pressure could not be stabilized, and Jacob became an angel on September 28, 1994. The next few years were a blur, and my depression eventually led to isolation from my friends and family. I just couldn’t bear to answer another ”how are you?”, because the truth was I wasn’t even living, nor did I want to. Fast forward to 1999. A dear friend bought me a copy of Friendship with God. This book re-established my relationship with God and helped heal some of my anger.
Years later I am grateful beyond words for the spiritual transformation that began with Jacob’s death. His re-birth into heaven became the beginning of my re-birth on earth. How is it possible that someone without a voice could deeply impact my life and the lives of so many others? Because our spirit cannot be spoken in words. It is his spirit that continues to shine through me and those who knew him. His light became a channel for me to seek and share my own inner beauty with others. After hearing about the incredible life story and message of Mattie Stepanek on Oprah and being deeply moved by his poem “When I Die” (reprinted with permission below), I realized Jacob was sent here to help me discover my own “Heartsongs”. Then, I vowed to tell his story. I hope you find it as heartwarming as I do.
Journey Through Heartsongs by Mattie J.T. Stepanek (Hyperion, 2002)
When I Die (Part II)
When I die, I want to be
A child in Heaven.
I want to be
A ten-year-old cherub.
I want to be
A hero in Heaven,
And a peacemaker,
Just like my goal on earth.
I will ask God if I can
Help the people in purgatory.
I will help them think,
About their life,
About their spirits,
About their future.
I will help them
Hear their own Heartsongs again,
So they can finally
See the face of God,
So soon.
When I die,
I want to be,
Just like I want to be
Here on earth.
